Cannabis Chronicles

We recently ran across a wonderfully humorous and poignant site dedicated to the many different types of “Flame Warriors” who inhabit online communities.  The site makes for an interesting and funny read, and no doubt anyone with much experience will recognise more than a few of these characters.

Certainly, the Cannabis community has more than it’s share of online forums and message boards, in fact, since the demise of Overgrow and CannabisWorld, there’s been a huge increase in the number of such forums that exist.  This posting is more of a general commentary on human nature, than something that’s directly related to the Cannabis culture or community.  However, we’re pretty sure folks who take the time to tour the original site, will find a number of descriptions they immediately recognise.

We’ll feature a couple of Mike Reed’s (the site’s author) caricatures here in hopes that it will entice folks to go view the whole Internet rogues gallery he’s put together.

Bong   Is it just you or does this guy seem to babble on and on without making any sense whatsoever? Does he lurch from one non sequitur to another? Are you baffled by his obscure metaphors? Are there so many typos you think that maybe he was typing while wearing a catcher’s mit? Can he really MEAN what he just said? What in the hell is hey talking about, anyway? Is this guy smoking something? Well, yes…in fact he is, and lightly tethered in orbit high above the Earth Bong remains far beyond the grasp of the even the most powerful of Warriors.

We really don’t want to start naming names, and from a demographic standpoint it could probably be said that a high percentage of folks on a cannabis message board could be called a Flame Warrior “Bong”, but there’s one particular individual this description bring to mind. It’s said that our old fellow moderator from CannabisWorld, who goes by the handle “Hempy”, has helped many folks learn to grow, and undoubtedly that’s true. But, gosh-dang-it, we’ve always had a really hard time understanding what the heck the guy was really talking about, and we know we’re not alone on that account. With that in mind, we’d like to nominate the previous caricature for a name change, “Bong” is way way too generic, there’s no doubt in our minds that guy’s really a “Hempy”.

Evil Clown  is very quick with a joke, but his jests always have a barb. He has little patience for in-depth discussions and will often disrupt exchanges between serious forum participants by introducing irrelevant topics, fatuous quips, and offhand comments. His greatest thrill is to taunt and humiliate weaker or more plodding Warriors with his snappy ripostes. Not a particularly powerful Warrior, Evil Clown will attempt to avoid defeat by accusing his attacker of having no sense of humor.

We know an “Evil Clown” or two ourselves, and think it’s quite likely you do too.

Grenade   isn’t actually a Warrior, per se, but it’s an ordnance so widely employed that no Flame Warriors guide would be complete without mentioning it. When lobbed into a discussion forum Grenade instantly blasts civil discourse into smoking rubble. Grenade’s explosive content can be adjusted to the forum’s interests. Typical detonating materials can be Bill Clinton, George Bush, gun control, homosexuality, Reagan, abortion, taxes, conspiracy theory, the NEA, welfare reform, etc. When facing certain defeat a Warrior can stall even the most determined attack with a diversionary explosion. Grenade can be a particularly destructive weapon in the hands of Evil Clown, Issues, Troglodyte or even Weenie, but almost any Warrior can use it to gain a temporary strategic advantage. Eagle Scout has been known to throw himself upon Grenade to save the forum.